Societal Views on Friends With Benefits
When I was much younger, I always believed that the only women that needed friends with benefits were those that couldn’t find a “real” boyfriend. I thought that they were trying to find a way to get the guy to actually love them, so that they could be together forever. My young, naïve self actually thought that these women were weak and had low self esteem.
Since there seem to be an unspoken rule that you should never talk about things like this, I never heard anyone admitting that they had had a friends with benefits relationship. That “rule” was the reason why I was clueless about the whole subject.
My First Friends With Benefits Experience
At the age of 26, I found myself divorced and needing some attention. I hadn’t slept with anyone for almost two years, which may seem strange since I was married, but I wasn’t attracted to my husband and didn’t want him touching me. I didn’t feel like I was missing anything at the time, so I had forgotten what it felt like to actually want someone physically.
My young, naïve self actually thought that these women were weak and had low self esteem.
When my husband left, I met a man who would become my first friends with benefits relationship. I suddenly felt everything that I had been missing out on for two years and let’s just say that my hormones are what led me to start this “relationship”.
My Struggle with the New Role
Since I had always thought that women who had friends with benefits were weak, I really struggled with what I was doing. I started to see a therapist and spent 6 months trying to figure out what I wanted and what I was doing. I needed to find a way to cope with my internal feelings as I wanted to find peace with what I was doing. The emotional stress that I faced as I tried to satisfy my sexual needs while thinking about how I felt about women who had friends with benefits was exhausting.
After going to two different therapists over the course of two years, I finally came to the conclusion that friends with benefits was actually a positive thing. I had been my own worst enemy this entire time. It is simply a way for women to have sex and define what they wanted at the same time.
I finally came to the conclusion that friends with benefits was actually a positive thing.
My New Improved Self And Friends With Benefits
Now that I am a little older and much more wiser, I can tell you that I no longer feel that women who have friends with benefits are weak or unwanted. I have now had two successful and long term friends with benefits relationships and am now going to explain how I go about the process of finding a man to have this type of relationship with. Before you continue reading, please try to set aside any negative preconceived ideas that you have for this type of relationship.
The Positive Effect it had on my “Regular” Dating life
I am quite picky when it comes to choosing a boyfriend, as most of us are. It can take me anywhere from 6 months to 2 years before I will find someone who is suitable for me and this means celibacy for this length of time. If at any point in time I am feeling extremely needy, my hormones can cloud my judgment and I may justify a man’s bad behavior. I’ve done this twice and after having sex both times, I realized that it was something that I should not have done. Those relationships were both very short.
If I had a friends with benefits relationship available when I was dating these two men, I wouldn’t have felt the need to have sex with them. Since I now have a relationship where my needs are being met, my dating life is much better than it was. I am dating because “I want a boyfriend” instead of “I need a man”.
If at any point in time I am feeling extremely needy, my hormones can cloud my judgment and I may justify a man’s bad behavior.
Pros Of Having Friends With Benefits:
· It keeps me very level headed since my needs are being met. I started being able to see the men I was dating for who they were instead of letting my hormones decide.
· If there is a time that I decide that I don’t want a boyfriend, then my needs are still being satisfied. I can be very clear minded when working on goals, projects and other activities.
Cons Of Having Friends With Benefits:
· Be mindful that less than ten percent of FWB will ever turn into a real relationship
Some women become emtionally attached to their FWB.
· Communication is key with this type of relationship. You both need to make sure that you are on the same page and following the same rules.
As you start a FWB relationship, you both need to know what you want out of the relationship. On one side there is the “one night stand” and on the other there are two people in a relationship without actually being in a relationship, with many other levels in between. For myself, I need my FWB person to meet the same standards that I want in a man I would date. Just because he’s not a boyfriend does not mean I lower my standards.
In my FWB relationship, we care about each other, write each other a few times a week and we get together a few times a month. Sometimes we will just get together for a cup of coffee and enjoy each other’s company. We celebrate most holidays together, including our birthdays, and we exchange gifts as well.
In my FWB relationship, we care about each other, write each other a few times a week and we get together a few times a month.
It is up to each individual person to decide what they want in their friends with benefits relationship. Maybe all you want is sex and you don’t talk to each other except for asking “when and where?” You should never let anyone tell you what a FWB relationship is supposed to be. You are the one who sets the limits, expectations and definition. All you need to do is find someone who wants the same things as you do.
While this may be a touchy subject for most people, it is still something that all single women should consider at some point in their lives. It may be the one thing that helps you while you are dating and trying to find the right person for you.
“I’ve read a plethora of dating, sex and relationship books for well over a decade now, so far this is the funniest, most down-to-earth book that is written for the modern woman. Also one of the few books that advocates for having a FWB, the reasons why is illustrated very well in this book, and another reason why I believe in the concept”
– Janine, TheBacheloretteLifestyle.com
Best be prepared… Figure out the game, avoid being used. Read the book and apply the principles; she has nailed down the player mindset 100%! A real gift to women everywhere, if you are single and dating, don’t venture out there without reading this book first!!
– amazon reviewer
“This book is the definitive guide to having your marriage and eating other people too. The Ethical Slut made me the ethical slut I am today, and I am so proud!”
-Margaret Cho, comedian and author of I’m the One That I Want
“The Ethical Slut is one of the most useful relationship books you could ever read, no matter what your lifestyle choices. It‚’s chock-full of great information about communication, jealousy, asking for what you want, and maintaining a relationship with integrity. An absolute masterpiece and a must-read!”
-Annie Sprinkle, PhD, sexologist and author of Dr. Sprinkle’s Spectacular Sex
“Many people wish for and dream of a wider world sexually and live out their lives unable to find the courage to explore. This book is a thoughtful, practical, and loving look at that exploration.”
-David Crosby, musician and author of Since Then